Patrick Swayze is Dead!

So as you may or may not know Patrick Swayze has died; which is very unfortunate.

One positive thing about this is that he has now agreed to star in the up and coming sequel to Ghost “Ghost 2”; they are starting to film today (He did always go a bit too far with his method acting)!

Also, this just in: Patrick Swayze’s wife has just taken up pottery lessons.

Microsoft Entourage – What a piece of shit!

So today I had the pleasure (not) of working on a MAC.

I had to export mail from Entourage which is essentially Outlook for Mac… You’d figure this would be a simple process right? Export to a file and then import it to the other application?

Well you’d be wrong.

What a fucking piece of shit; you can export to a file that is ONLY compatible with entourage thus completely fucking you in the ass, you can also drag out individual messages if you wish which are (you guessed it) completely incompatible with anything other than entourage!

The only way to easily export a large mailbox is to setup an IMAP server, transfer all the mail over and then re-download it on outlook/another mail application on a Windows PC.

It just seems that program made by Apple or for an Apple make it their mission to make it so hard for you to migrate to another application or operating system thus forcing you to continue buying their overpriced under performing pieces of shit.

It’s the same with most apple applications; garageband is a classic example.

John Travolta’s Son

You ever heard someone say something like “Let’s hope some good comes out of this person’s death, lets hope that there was some meaning, some substance and something we can all take from this person’s life”.

In the case of John Travolta’s son we can take some cheap laughs… let me help you out.

Joke 1:
Did you hear about John Travolta’s Son dying???I think they ruled out Saturday Night Fever however he couldn’t keep “Stayin Alive”.

Joke 2:
Heard there’s going to be a sequel to Saturday Night Fever. It’s one of those prequels, though – you know, like Star Wars.

It’s called Friday Night Seizure.

Joke 3:
What’s white, red, and surrounded by tape?

John Travolta’s bath.

Joke 4:
In loving memory of his son, John Travolta is set to release a new film at the end of the year, adding to success of the previous trilogy… 

Look Who Isn’t Talking

Joke 5:
Following the sudden and well publicised death of Travolta’s son, it really set me thinking how cruel life could be, for someone so internationally famous to be cut down in their prime. I mean, who next? Goldie Hawn’s dog?

So bad that they surpass bad to become good…

I’m not the only sick person in this world…

Transcript of a conversation between myself and a friend of mine below:

Roxy: Oh well, we may be millionaires soon…
Anthony: Yeah, infamous for chopping up babies.
Roxy: Nice.
Anthony: Then we will write a book about easy cook baby recipes from prison…
Roxy: Fetus Fettuccine
Anthony: lol, deep fried fetus feet.
Roxy: Toddler tagglioni, yum.
Anthony: Poached baby brains.
Roxy: Crispy skin new born with honey glaze and caramelised onion served on a bed of mash with rosemary jus…
Anthony: Nice!
Roxy: 5 seasoned rice with braised baby bowels.

Delish!

Pregnancy/Child Birth Conspiracy Theory

Have you ever noticed how when women have children and especially during child birth they are given gifts and drugs and essentially anything they demand?

Then afterwards they always have this grip over men “Nothing is more painful than child birth”.

You know what ladies I don’t think it’s as painful as everyone makes out… I’ve been hit by a car, had my appendix cut out, had throat surgery which got infected and bled out twice I think I know a little something about pain.

It’s all a big conspiracy to have a “one up” on men… it’s general knowledge that women don’t control the world, however they control men.

It’s just one big fake puppet show out there people, open your eyes.

Lower and Lower

Ever said a comment that didn’t go over too well? Ever tried to recover from that comment only to have the hole you are digging get deeper and deeper?

I’m fairly good at putting my foot in it; it’s a skill…

So I’m at a wedding on the weekend and sitting across from me is this girl who is looking at me… after a while she speaks (transcript below):

Girl: Did you go to XYZ High School?
Anthony: Yes
Girl: Did you hang around XYZ people?
Anthony: Yes
Girl: You don’t remember me do you?
Anthony: Can’t say I do…
Girl: I’m Jenna; I used to go out with a friend of yours…
Anthony: Jenna? Jenna Jenna? Holy Crap I cannot believe it; you sure turned out well, I mean in comparison to how you looked at school you’re gorgeous.
Everyone else at the table: *Looking at me as to say Oh My God*
Anthony: I mean really, it’s a compliment, I remember you having pimples and braces, you’ve turned out nice.
Girl: Ummm Thanks.

Yep, that went over so well… What the hell was I thinking?!

Stevie Wonder

I’m going to see Stevie Wonder on Wednesday night this week (in concert, as I don’t know him personally).

You know what I’ve noticed? Everyone is such a fucking comedian.

You know I’ve heard all the Stevie Wonder jokes; people ask me why I am having leave “I am having leave to go and see Stevie Wonder in concert” I say.

Usual response is: “Well you may see him but he won’t see you”… you know what people?! SHUTUP!

That joke is old and not funny, I’m all for jokes but come on people, don’t try and be funny if you have no chance of pulling it off!

How about you surprise me with something witty… Like my example below:

Anthony: I am having leave to go and see Stevie Wonder in concert..
Mini Anthony: You know what the hardest part about going to the concert will be?
Anthony: What’s that?
Mini Anthony: Telling everyone your gay…

How much funnier would that be?!

If you want to be as funny as me let me know; I can start giving you lessons.

Ha!

I have a friend who is the chief of all that is lame (the jokes that is not the people), he told me a joke the other day; figured I’d pass it on.

Q: How do you get a fat woman into bed?

A: Piece of cake…

Woman Bits

It’s been a while I know…

I had to post this.

Now I have heard some pretty humours titles for “woman bits” e.g.: “Sausage Wallet” however by far the best up to date that I only just heard is:

“Self Cleaning Oven”

How awesome is that?!

So most people who know me know that I like to dabble in a bit of eBay buying and selling every once in a while…

I sold at auction a laptop computer to a person, now I wont give you their full username for privacy reason however their username had the term “sausage jockey” in it just to give you an idea of the calibre of the person we are dealing with here.

Simple rule in eBay; if you don’t have the money available do not buy an item.

Here is the transcript of our emails:

SausageJockey:
hi could I please pay for the notebook when I get paid next week on thursday sorry for any inconvenience

Me:
Hi,
I put this on eBay for a quick sale, please try to pay Monday or by Thursday at the latest.

I normally require payment within 3 days of auction.

Thanks,
Anthony D

SausageJockey:
I am really sorry to inform you that the tax department have kept my tax cheque that I thought I was recieving today so I will not be buying this item off you sorry again and I hope we can trade in the future

Me:
This is a legally binding agreement you shouldn’t buy in the first place if you do not have the money.

SausageJockey:
I had full intensions of buying it I am annoyed too!!! dam tax department sorry buddy

Me:
Hi,
I will log an unpaid dispute in a few days when eBay lets me.

This will give me a credit back for the money you have made me waste in re-listing this item (this will give you one strike against your eBay account FYI).

In the future do not buy an item relying on other money coming in; only buy items if you actually have funds available this will insure you do not waste other people’s time, money and effort.

Thanks,
Anthony D

SausageJockey:
it is not an unpaid item dispute I had full intension of buying it wish you the best for the future kind regards

Me:
Hi,
I contacted eBay regarding this.

It doesn’t matter what your intentions were because you purchased and aren’t paying, just because you are telling me it doesn’t change a thing.

I’m not being difficult, I’ve contacted eBay and I’m just running through the process.

Cheers,
Anthony D

It really pisses me off when I deal with people like this who just cruise through life and are so used to fucking people around that it comes so naturally to them.

I seem to have a fucktard magnet built into my body which just attracts dickheads like this…