I have now worked for the same company for five years, during this time I have made them a consistent flow of money, always having positive reviews from my clients and managing to work through the most difficult situations (outsourcing a client sites support, shutting down client sites etc).

I am getting to the stage now where I need a change; five years in this same role with no career progression is getting to me to put it simply I’m not challenged.

When they pitched this company to me they said things like “This Company is a fantastic place to build a career”. It all sounded so good, like I could settle in and be here for life and slowly progress up the ladder to a role that I would be challenged in, so naturally I moved myself and my family to Newcastle.

Almost two months ago I send my team leader and my boss above him (in total I have about five managers, sounds like Office Space hey?), requesting some help with my career, I said “I’m not expecting miracles or something to happen overnight however I want to get some input from you as to what my options are and how I could go about moving onto something more challenging” of course the email was more in depth than this.

One would think that a week turn around on an email like this would be acceptable, however not in my Company’s case, I waited almost two months before probing my big boss about if he had received it or had any feedback on the manner, to which he replied “There is nothing to move to within the group you are currently working in, you should try talk to other managers within the Company”.

Now I’ve slogged my guts out to make this Company money, I uprooted my family for this, and after five years I finally ask for some assistance and I get “fuck off this is your own problem”, at minimum I thought he could have sent off an email to a few different groups asking if there was any work, instead he just doesn’t respond then essentially tells me to fuck off.

When I get my 5 years service award, I’m going to spend my Coles-Myer voucher on some KY Jelly so when I get fucked in the ass it doesn’t hurt so much.

So as you may or may not know Patrick Swayze has died; which is very unfortunate.

One positive thing about this is that he has now agreed to star in the up and coming sequel to Ghost “Ghost 2”; they are starting to film today (He did always go a bit too far with his method acting)!

Also, this just in: Patrick Swayze’s wife has just taken up pottery lessons.

So today I had the pleasure (not) of working on a MAC.

I had to export mail from Entourage which is essentially Outlook for Mac… You’d figure this would be a simple process right? Export to a file and then import it to the other application?

Well you’d be wrong.

What a fucking piece of shit; you can export to a file that is ONLY compatible with entourage thus completely fucking you in the ass, you can also drag out individual messages if you wish which are (you guessed it) completely incompatible with anything other than entourage!

The only way to easily export a large mailbox is to setup an IMAP server, transfer all the mail over and then re-download it on outlook/another mail application on a Windows PC.

It just seems that program made by Apple or for an Apple make it their mission to make it so hard for you to migrate to another application or operating system thus forcing you to continue buying their overpriced under performing pieces of shit.

It’s the same with most apple applications; garageband is a classic example.

You ever heard someone say something like “Let’s hope some good comes out of this person’s death, lets hope that there was some meaning, some substance and something we can all take from this person’s life”.

In the case of John Travolta’s son we can take some cheap laughs… let me help you out.

Joke 1:
Did you hear about John Travolta’s Son dying???I think they ruled out Saturday Night Fever however he couldn’t keep “Stayin Alive”.

Joke 2:
Heard there’s going to be a sequel to Saturday Night Fever. It’s one of those prequels, though – you know, like Star Wars.

It’s called Friday Night Seizure.

Joke 3:
What’s white, red, and surrounded by tape?

John Travolta’s bath.

Joke 4:
In loving memory of his son, John Travolta is set to release a new film at the end of the year, adding to success of the previous trilogy… 

Look Who Isn’t Talking

Joke 5:
Following the sudden and well publicised death of Travolta’s son, it really set me thinking how cruel life could be, for someone so internationally famous to be cut down in their prime. I mean, who next? Goldie Hawn’s dog?

So bad that they surpass bad to become good…

Transcript of a conversation between myself and a friend of mine below:

Roxy: Oh well, we may be millionaires soon…
Anthony: Yeah, infamous for chopping up babies.
Roxy: Nice.
Anthony: Then we will write a book about easy cook baby recipes from prison…
Roxy: Fetus Fettuccine
Anthony: lol, deep fried fetus feet.
Roxy: Toddler tagglioni, yum.
Anthony: Poached baby brains.
Roxy: Crispy skin new born with honey glaze and caramelised onion served on a bed of mash with rosemary jus…
Anthony: Nice!
Roxy: 5 seasoned rice with braised baby bowels.

Delish!

Have you ever noticed how when women have children and especially during child birth they are given gifts and drugs and essentially anything they demand?

Then afterwards they always have this grip over men “Nothing is more painful than child birth”.

You know what ladies I don’t think it’s as painful as everyone makes out… I’ve been hit by a car, had my appendix cut out, had throat surgery which got infected and bled out twice I think I know a little something about pain.

It’s all a big conspiracy to have a “one up” on men… it’s general knowledge that women don’t control the world, however they control men.

It’s just one big fake puppet show out there people, open your eyes.

Ever said a comment that didn’t go over too well? Ever tried to recover from that comment only to have the hole you are digging get deeper and deeper?

I’m fairly good at putting my foot in it; it’s a skill…

So I’m at a wedding on the weekend and sitting across from me is this girl who is looking at me… after a while she speaks (transcript below):

Girl: Did you go to XYZ High School?
Anthony: Yes
Girl: Did you hang around XYZ people?
Anthony: Yes
Girl: You don’t remember me do you?
Anthony: Can’t say I do…
Girl: I’m Jenna; I used to go out with a friend of yours…
Anthony: Jenna? Jenna Jenna? Holy Crap I cannot believe it; you sure turned out well, I mean in comparison to how you looked at school you’re gorgeous.
Everyone else at the table: *Looking at me as to say Oh My God*
Anthony: I mean really, it’s a compliment, I remember you having pimples and braces, you’ve turned out nice.
Girl: Ummm Thanks.

Yep, that went over so well… What the hell was I thinking?!

I’m going to see Stevie Wonder on Wednesday night this week (in concert, as I don’t know him personally).

You know what I’ve noticed? Everyone is such a fucking comedian.

You know I’ve heard all the Stevie Wonder jokes; people ask me why I am having leave “I am having leave to go and see Stevie Wonder in concert” I say.

Usual response is: “Well you may see him but he won’t see you”… you know what people?! SHUTUP!

That joke is old and not funny, I’m all for jokes but come on people, don’t try and be funny if you have no chance of pulling it off!

How about you surprise me with something witty… Like my example below:

Anthony: I am having leave to go and see Stevie Wonder in concert..
Mini Anthony: You know what the hardest part about going to the concert will be?
Anthony: What’s that?
Mini Anthony: Telling everyone your gay…

How much funnier would that be?!

If you want to be as funny as me let me know; I can start giving you lessons.

Q: How do you get a fat woman into bed?

A: Piece of cake…

It’s been a while I know…

I had to post this.

Now I have heard some pretty humours titles for “woman bits” e.g.: “Sausage Wallet” however by far the best up to date that I only just heard is:

“Self Cleaning Oven”

How awesome is that?!